


when we did not know the answers

by brionyjae



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: 3x16 "Into The Speedforce", Angst, Episode Related, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 12:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10387104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brionyjae/pseuds/brionyjae
Summary: It's one in the morning, and Cisco can't sleep. And then he hears the smallest knock on his door.A flashvibe post 3x16 ficlet that demanded to be written.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, 3x16 killed me, so many feels and so much angst D: Poor Wally! POOR BARRY. And so what do I do? Come up with more angst lmao somebody hold me. I apologise in advance xD This fic literally forced me to write it though - I'm meant to be working on my novel for my Master of Creative Writing thesis, but I couldn't concentrate on anything else until this fic was done. Gotta listen to the muse, people!
> 
> Title taken from Ed Sheeran's "Castle On The Hill", which really has no relevance to this fic except for the fact that this song was stuck on repeat in my head while writing it. I think maybe the feeling/rhythm of the song helped me get in the right mood? *shrug* WRITING IS WEIRD.

* * *

It's one in the morning, and Cisco can't sleep. He'd finally caved to H.R's insistent offers of caffeine, during the agonising wait after Cisco had vibed Jay into the speedforce. He is now deeply regretting that double shot cappuccino - although, he'd probably still be this wired. He'd probably still feel like something is trying to claw its way out of his chest, like something is shaking apart inside him.

He can still feel the echoes of panic that had flooded his veins when Barry's vitals went dark.

Cisco paces the length of his living room (such as it is) three times. His hand twitches towards the phone on his coffee table. No point in texting Caitlin. No point in texting anyone. It'd be selfish to take away anyone else's slim chance of getting some rest. Maybe he should put a movie on, try to distract himself. It might work.

There's the smallest knock on Cisco's apartment door, and since his senses are on high alert, he jumps. He hesitates, his feet glued to the floor. Then he surges forwards, and pulls the door open before he can change his mind.

Barry's standing there. His hands are deep in his jacket pockets, and his shoulders are hunched. He looks like he's actively trying to shrink his limbs, and he's pale, the permanent kind of pale that he's been ever since Wally first got trapped in the speedforce. Dark shadows are painted underneath his eyes. He finally meets Cisco's gaze after a long moment, and incredibly, tries to inject some feeling into his voice.

"Hi, um. Cisco. I was wondering if I could maybe crash here tonight. If, um, that was okay with you."

Cisco swallows past the perpetual lump in his throat. All the banter, the jokes he'd been making that night, all the coping mechanisms and distractions to keep his mind off the very real fact that Barry _might not come back_ \- they've all fled his brain. There is nothing to make this funny, bearable.

"Of course, come in."

"Thanks."

Barry's lips tremble as he attempts a lopsided smile.

Cisco doesn't ask where Iris is, or what happened. He doesn't need to. He'd seen Iris's bare fingers, and he'd seen the desperate look in Barry's eyes - as if something had fatally altered between them, something which would take more than a ring to solve.

Barry's presence gives Cisco something to keep his itching hands busy. He makes two mugs of hot chocolate while Barry curls himself on Cisco's sofa, wedged into the corner. Cisco dumps more sugar than necessary into their cups, and wordlessly hands one to Barry. Cisco sits down beside him, leaving an aching gap between them. Cisco doesn't know if he has the energy to lift the cup to his lips.

"Is Wally going to be okay?" Cisco asks quietly. Barry sets his already empty mug down on the coffee table, and answers in a whisper.

"I think so. I - I hope so."

Cisco takes a deep breath.

"Are - are _you_ gonna be okay?"

Barry is silent, so Cisco looks over at him. His lips are still trembling, in their effort to keep a neutral expression on his face.

"Barry," Cisco breathes, biting his lip against a shaky exhale. As Cisco watches, a tear falls slowly down Barry's cheek. It's unnerving, because Barry hardly does anything slowly, and it's almost as if his speed powers have been totally drained from his body, as if the speedforce has given up on him. Or maybe he's given up on the speedforce. Barry hugs his arms around his own waist, visibly vibrating - or, shivering, maybe. Barry's never cold. Cisco abandons his hot chocolate and finds the fluffiest blanket he can. With difficulty, he manages to get Barry huddled in it.

Neither of them speak for ages. Barry is staring at nothing. Cisco's thoughts are stuck on that look in Barry's eyes, right before Cisco had let him go in the speedforce - and he can't help thinking, he _has_ to know -

"You were planning on taking Wally's place. Not Jay."

His voice is hoarser than he'd expected. Barry barely flinches - he responds like he's been waiting for Cisco to ask that exact question, like it's no big deal.

"Yeah," he whispered.

Except it is a big deal - to Cisco. The ache in his throat is unbearable now, and Cisco's mind is screaming at him - but what can he do, what can _anyone_ do, to make Barry feel better?

"You should get some sleep, Cisco." Barry's voice is flat now, beyond pretending, and he turns away from Cisco to face the opposite direction. The slumped line in Barry's shoulders is so unlike his usual strong self that Cisco cracks.

"I'm not gonna leave you here alone, Barry."

No answer.

"Please, Barry," Cisco probably pleads. The starkness of Barry's admission, that he'd almost sacrificed himself, squeezes Cisco's heart. _Painful_. He realises that he'd known, deep down, because he knows _Barry_ , but. If it hadn't been for Jay - if Cisco hadn't travelled to Earth 3 and asked Jay, begged Jay, for help - "Please just come with me. Okay?"

Cisco reaches out a hand to touch Barry's shoulder, and a shudder is released through Barry's body. So so slowly, Barry unfolds himself. His eyes are hollow, and if Cisco looks at them for a moment longer he'll probably start crying, so he focuses on taking Barry's hand. Their fingers fit together. With a soft tug, Barry follows Cisco into his bedroom.

Barry's limbs seem to have forgotten how to function. Carefully, Cisco pulls off Barry's jacket, and begins unbuttoning Barry's shirt. Cisco can feel Barry's gaze on him, but he keeps removing layers until Barry is standing there in his singlet and boxers. His bare skin is littered with actual goosebumps, which is basically unheard of for a speedster. Placing a hand on the small of his back, Cisco leads Barry to the bed. Barry slides onto the mattress, gathering his long limbs up into a small ball. He faces the wall.

Cisco quickly strips to his singlet and boxers too, and lies on his back on the other side of the bed. He's still wide awake. There's no way his brain is going to shut up long enough for him to fall asleep. He listens to Barry's uneven breathing, measuring it against his own. Then -

"I just want to keep everyone safe. But I don't know how."

Barry's voice breaks, shattering glass in the silence, and Cisco closes the gap between them without pausing. He presses his hand over Barry's forearm. A millisecond later, Barry has sped over to Cisco, burying his face under Cisco's chin, against his chest. The brief spark of electricity fades, returning the room to darkness. Something in Barry has snapped, tipped over the edge. It's not the endless, soundless tears like that night in STAR Labs' medbay, the first night without Wally. This is broken, shuddering, painful sobs, not meant to be witnessed by anyone.

Except, apparently, Cisco.

Barry is holding onto Cisco's back so tightly that his nails are digging through his singlet. It actually helps to ground Cisco, a tether to the real world, rather than being consumed by Barry's pain. He has to stay afloat, so that Barry can afford to sink, just for a while.

"We're gonna get through this together Barry, I promise," Cisco whispers into Barry's hair. The only answer he receives is a wet gasp and another shiver vibrating through Barry's frame.

There isn't a single moment where Barry's body relaxes - it happens gradually, the exhaustion slowly passing through each finger, each cell. When Barry's breathing finally, _finally_ , steadies, the birds in the trees outside are announcing daybreak.

Cisco's still awake when the sun pierces the gap in his curtains, but with Barry tucked up in his arms, stealing a rare moment of peace, he's not going to move an inch. When Barry wakes up, he's determined to be right here.

**Author's Note:**

> brb crying forever... at least the musical episode is next, which surely cannot be sadder than this. Because, you know, musicals. (Let's just pretend Les Mis doesn't exist, okay?)
> 
> Come hug me on my [tumblr](http://brionyjae.tumblr.com/) xx


End file.
